Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You Can't Control Your Dreams Only Direct Them in the Right Direction... (Thoughts)?

As if I was surrounded my mirrors


All I could see was my own tears


My soul finally shattered my prison


So I could see the world when it cries


It's to much for one person to handle


Life, so easy to break and mishandle


When I think I can see myself clearly


As I awake I can choose who I am


So everyone knows I'm inside out


Like the shirt I wear, I'm different


But not one of you can say


You haven't had one day


Where you wear your shirt inside out


Never knowing what they laugh about


From the inside looking out


My life, is so inside out...You Can't Control Your Dreams Only Direct Them in the Right Direction... (Thoughts)?
You might not write for grammar, but grammar good or bad will affect what we hear...and ';see';. As such, be careful of typos...';by mirrors';, ';too much';, etc. Your spelling was otherwise very good. Your rhymed couplets were also very good...very natural, almost sounding accidental, which is exactly the way they should sound. One of the two pairs that were not rhymed was at least slant rhyme, the other one stood out because it didn't...and that pair itself was awkward...';When I think....who I am';...because of the way the second line began. It's the only ';odd'; line in the poem, which is otherwise very well done.





....keep writingYou Can't Control Your Dreams Only Direct Them in the Right Direction... (Thoughts)?
Voice confusion. The majority of this is 1st person singular. If you are ';i';, then you can't change to ';It's to much for one person to handle'; for that changes the voice of who is speaking.





If your metaphor is inside out then your beginning rambles and your ending becomes redundant. Either you are talking about what you feels like to be inside out or you are talking about how others feel being inside out. Decide and write again

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